For 6 months I have wanted to write this post and now I finally get to…we are expecting baby Hodapp number 2 in January!!
We really couldn’t be more excited. Ever since Evelyn joined our family we knew we wanted more kids and we want them to be close in age like we are with our siblings. So when we got married in November we started trying. Since we got pregnant with Evelyn while we were actively preventing, we figured it would be a breeze getting pregnant if we were actively trying.
Unfortunately it wasn’t as easy as we thought.
I realize in the grand scheme of things six months is not a long time, I know people who have tried for years and years to get pregnant with no luck, but still every month that goes by when you don’t see those two pink lines stings a little more each time.
In February and April we saw the results we were hoping for. We were thrilled, we were planning how we were going to tell people, dreaming of names and nursery decorations, imagining Evelyn with a sibling and our life as four, picturing all the big milestones our new baby would go through, but almost as quickly as our excitement arrived it slipped through our fingers.
They call them chemical pregnancies–a loss that occurs very early on, before anything would be detected on an ultrasound. I have a really hard time with this term, something about it makes the pregnancy seem invalid or fake. A chemical pregnancy is in fact a result of a sperm and an egg meeting, conception occurs, but for whatever reason it doesn’t complete implantation the way it’s supposed to. People say things like “well some women have chemical pregnancies all the time and don’t even know it, they just assume their period is late so they don’t test”–that’s great, but I tested and I saw a positive, the timing of my cycle is arbitrary; or “it’s for the best because there were probably genetic abnormalities”–why would this make me or anyone else feel any better? As if a pregnancy that results in a child with special needs is any less of a life to celebrate or mourn over? Stupid, stupid term. Call it what it is, it’s a miscarriage and no matter when it occurs, it sucks.
After two back to back losses, we needed a break. Even the thought of having a third loss was too much so we stopped trying, yet here we are 8 weeks pregnant. I can hear the collective “it always happens when you aren’t trying” and I hope you can feel the loving, but extremely dramatic eye roll I’m giving you through the computer? Yes, some of those six months were spent “stressing” tracking cycles and ovulation dates, but all of those six months we were very much enjoying being married? So I say to those trying, track or don’t track, it will happen in God’s timing.
And it is just that God’s timing. He has a plan and it is perfect. For whatever reason our life journey needed to take us through the sorrow of miscarriage and we try to be thankful. For our eyes have been opened to the fact that every life should be celebrated, whether that life lasts only a few days or 100 years. We feel fortunate that if we had to lose our babies it was at 5 weeks and not 11 weeks, 20 weeks, 40 weeks, or God forbid any time after we had held our sweet babies in our arms, but still it was a loss and it was hard not sharing it with some of the people closest to us. So for however long this little baby is with us, we want to share our good news, celebrate, and ask for all the prayers and good vibes to be sent our way for a happy, healthy full term baby to join our family in January. We’re dreaming big dreams for you little love, we love you tremendously already.
Going to go ask Steve to hold my hair back now because yayy “morning” sickness,
Ps-I certainly do not understand the depth of the heartache that those who have tried for years must have experienced or are still experiencing, but I believe I scratched the surface and I want you to know I pray for you daily.